true love always dies.

I have not had a lot of time do come on here and write about my feelings, or problems. But today, I think my boyfriend of almost two years has stopped loving me. After this time together a lot has happened and I do not know if we can bounce back anymore. He's sitting on the couch across from me, won't even look at me and telling me he's had enough. Recently I lost my full time job, and since I have been so broke, I was unable to pay my rent this month so he assisted with it, we've always helped each other out with things when we've needed it, he got a good job a while ago too, and has had the extra money, but after a stressful conversation about money that lead to him throwing an empty bottle at me, and ruining a christmas decoration, I think he's finally had enough of me, although I love this boy with all my heart, I am starting to believe we have conflicting personalities, he always says I'm a child and I don't know how to handle stressful situations, and that I have the mind of someone in high school, I have started to believe it.
I've done nothing but try and make this work, and destroy it at the same time. I do have an issue with communication and it's finally got to us.
I remember the first time we hung out, May 9th 2010, I came to St.Catharines to meet him, he came up to me at the bus station, gave me a hug and a kiss on the head. I can honestly say I think it was love at first sight, we had our first kill at Niagara Falls, he leaned over me, and it was perfect. Almost two years later he still gives me butterflies, still makes me laugh, and makes me strive to try and be a better person everyday. As he looks at my typing he says "don't bother writing me an email" I think that no matter what I say anymore, I think it's over. I've spilled my heart out to him so many times, I think he's tired of hearing the same things over and over again, I don't know what I'll be like if I end up moving out, and trying to move on from the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me, I don't think I'll be able to accept it at first, but I hope if we do break up he remembers the good times, not the bad times, and he knows how much I loved him, and how much I really tried to change and make it work.
I'll always love you Michael,
Forever and ever, I want nothing more than for you to find someone in the future that will be everything I couldn't be for you, I've learned so much, and I know what not to do in the future, and I hope one day I can find my soul mate, I thought it was you, and I'll always inside believe it maybe was you, never forget me babe,

it was us against the world.

one year, one month

The last year has been a little hectic, moving hours away to be with the boy I love and have a new start hasn't been the best decision but I guess that is something I'll always have to live with, going from long distance relationship to 24/7 relationship hasn't been the easiest. I love him more than anything though, and I'd do anything to keep him in my life but I think I've done too much damage to him. He's really the nicest person I've ever met and I really do think he deserves someone better than myself. I try so hard to prove to him I'm a good person, and that he's so special to me, but sometimes I say things I can't take back. I've told him I've hated him in a rage, as well as telling him he doesn't make me happy, when they are both complete lies.
I know if he ever said these things to me it would kill me, and I know it kills him inside, and I wish I knew how to make it better and to make his pain go away.
I've never felt the way I do about him with anyone else. He makes me want to me a better person so bad, and I really do try. I tell him how much I love and appreciate him as much as I can, and do cute things for him.
I never want to be without him. I can't picture myself with anyone else but I feel him slipping through my fingers and I can't catch him, it breaks my heart. I want him to be so happy and live life to the fullest without someone making him feel awful about himself.
Maybe one say I'll deserve someone like him, I have a lot to work on as a person and I hate myself right now, I hate the way I've become and the life that I have made for myself. I want to make a man so happy one day, I want to be that girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with.. and as of right now, I don't feel like I'm the right person for him. I'll never be good enough for him, even though I am so in love with him.
He makes me realize that I have some good things going for me in life even when I don't notice it. He's my rock, and he's my everything. I don't know what I would do without him. I need to grow up and take responsibility for my actions, to keep my thoughts that could hurt someone to myself, and be a better person.
Still, until it's my last chance I'll fight for him. I'll keep trying not to screw up, although time and time again I always let myself down. I am a huge disappointment to myself.
I'll be happier one day, but I don't want to ruin the one thing that brings true happiness in my life.
I love you Michael, I always have and I always will. I'll do anything I can to change and make this the best it can be.

I'll be forever yours.

It will get easier.

I think I have Peter Pan Syndrome. I do not like the idea of growing up completely. I really can't believe how fast life has went by, I am almost twenty years old. I remember kindergarden, I remember my mom playing the piano for us, I remember playing dinosaurs with my little brothers. It's all gone. I'll never forget those moments, but it's hard to think that I'll never be that young again, that those memories with my parents will be nothing but memories, and growing up with my little brothers doesn't exist anymore.
I have finally left the nest, but I miss it all the time, but as soon as I'm there I know why I left. I miss my parents so much, I miss my cat Tippy, and I miss my own bedroom. I know that all those things will always be in my life no matter what happens, it's just hard letting those things go from my daily life. I've been on my own for almost two years, and it feels like yesterday when I would get ready to go to school, and meet everyone in the forum, I don't talk to anyone I really went to high school with, and it's strange because these were the people I grew up with and saw everyday for almost four years, and everything is gone.
I think that eventually I will be okay with growing up, and I think I subconsciously act childish so I don't lose my youth. I want to be young forever. I don't want the reality of being an adult, although it has it's perks, I'll never have the memories as I have as a child as an adult. So much more is expected from me in life, I am expected to make decisions, and manage my whole life. It's hard to handle sometimes. I just want to give up. One day, I hope all of this will be worth it, I hope that I'll be able to grow up and be okay with growing up. I want to always have my parents by my side, and my brothers there looking out for me even though everything we've been through together.
I will be okay with it, one day.
Until then, I want to soak up my youth, and never let it go completely.
I miss being young and innocent, not knowing what the real world is like, and being happy. Truly happy with whatever was put in front of me.


"Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers; the next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul."

Only Time Will Tell.

I really think sometimes that things just aren't supposed to work out for me.
I see everyone around me succeeding and creating a life for themselves and I feel like I'm falling behind. Everyone seems to be able to handle everything easier than I do. I'm not doing very good in school again, and I don't think they are going to keep me around much longer. It's not that I don't want to do good in life, it's that I really don't think I can. School comes easier to everyone. People get better marks than I do, understand readings better and everything. I have been left by myself to do the whole school thing, my mother has cut me off and has left me with nothing. Even if I wanted to keep going to school, I couldn't. She has made it so I can't. I wish that my family was more involved in my life, and school.
I sometimes wonder if I am going to do anything with my life, or if I will be working a mediocre job for the rest of my life. I am taking a year off, I need to save some money if I ever do want to go back to school, I have an apartment I will be paying rent on even though I'm not living there and I only have enough rent money for another three months. My life seems to be crashing.
As of December first I will be going to see a psychiatrist. How nice.
I will be able to spill my problems out on someone I don't even know. I want to think this will help, I have a lot of anxiety and stress problems. I don't think I'm messed up by no means, but maybe I just need some help not panicking over life's little problems. I have lost a lot of my support team, we've all kind of grown apart. Which I guess I expected. I still have my roommates, amazing boyfriend, and best friend to help me through when I'm really struggling.
I just wonder how life is going to work out for me. I'm moving in with my boyfriend, and I hope for nothing more than for this to make us stronger and closer together. I am moving away from my parents, which is what I want. I couldn't stand going back to that place. I hope myself and Michael will be able to do everything we've planned, and that my life will become easier, I can get a good job and save some money while living with him, and hopefully be able to go back to school somewhere the following year. I need a year off for sure, I don't think I'd be able to make some serious decisions about what I want to do in a couple months as we have to apply to schools for February. I just really need to think about things, get myself together, have a solid support team, and just breathe. I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I'm only nineteen. Whether I do something small now, and expand when I'm older and can afford it, I would be happy with that.
I have to take things one step at a time.

there are no answers, there is just life.

My biggest fear in life is not being successful, not heights or monsters, but not succeeding in my future. I feel like being at school, in this point in my life isn't right for me. Whenever I walk into these lecture halls I feel so alone, I feel so threatened by the people around me, and terrified of the teacher in front of me. I really believe that I'm not smart enough to me here, and my greatest fear is to be kicked out next year because of my low academic standards. As of right now I'm on academic probation, not something I planned as my marks in high school were exceptional.
My dream is to get a well paying job doing something I really love, to be happy and have a family. I fear that when I'm older I'll be struggling debts, and trying to find a decent job but I hope that I'll have a family to support me.
Every time I think about the future or what I'm going to do with my life I stress myself out so much. I do not know what to do, and it frustrates me so much to the point I'm in tears instantly. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, and I really don't think anyone does. Even when most people are grown up they always change careers. I still have major anxiety about the subject, but it makes things seem a little bit okay.
That gives me hope that even if I finish my degree, I can do something else, go back to school and do something else I love.
It's just really hard for me to force myself to do something I really don't care about, and it makes it a million times harder when whatever I'm doing is ridiculously hard. No matter how hard I try, someone will always do better than me, and that makes it hard too. Last year I didn't try as hard as I should have, but as soon as I starting realizing this stuff really matters, it was too late. I had no choice but to not do well on my exams.
This year I hope to do better, I have a really supportive boyfriend, and really good friends that I know will push me though this year.
I can only hope that I do my best, and if university is not for me, I guess I'll be finding out the hard way.

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.”

I have to take one day at a time, one challenge at a time, and try my best in everything that is put in front of me.
Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out, and it's true. I have to be happy for the present.
Take one step at a time.

There is one thing that I will truly strive for in my years to come: A complete and happy family, one that when you look at us you can see we all really love and care about each other. I want to always be close with the children I may have, and I want to always be in love with my husband.
I always see families together, and I always wish that they could be mine. The way they interact with each other and how they do family things, have reunions, family vacations and just hang out together.
My family is nothing like that. To be honest, I wouldn't call us much of a family. As much as I hate to admit it, it breaks my heart.
I wish I could have a mom that has heart to hearts with, someone that I get along with all the time, or even for the most part, someone who loves spending time with me. I feel like my mom really doesn't care about me or what I'm doing with my life. We have pretty much the same personality, and I really think that's why we do not get along. We're too much of the same person. I feel like I'm a huge inconvenience to my mother's life and she has no care in the world to find out about me, and what I'm interested in, what I want to do with my life or even how my day went. One day I hope we get along. I really do.
I love my dad a lot, and I feel bad for him, I feel like he's not happy with his life. I wish I could make him happy. I feel like no one really cares about him and I wish he was a more open person, I would love to know more about him and know what it was like for him growing up, or just do something to make his day better. I feel like he's always in a bad mood and I can never talk to him the way I want too. One day I hope he's happy again.
I have two brothers, they are twins. Damien & Daniel. Daniel moved out last year when him and my mom got into a huge fight and I haven't spoken to him since. He has no desire to be involved in any of our lives. I miss him. Even though he's my brother and when he was around I wish he would have left, he's still my brother and I hope he's doing okay. Damien and I will get along when we're older, as of right now when I'm not around he's an only child, and he's taking full advantage of it. He's a brat, but when he's nice we get along good.
I really aspire to have a functional loving family when I'm older. We will have sit down dinners, I'll be close with my daughter in a way my mother never tried to be, and I'll get along with my son.
Not having a family around all the time has made me see other people's families and I'm so jealous of what they have, nice christmas dinners, and just enjoying being together.
I want that more than anything.

"Other things may change us, but we start and end with family"