I really think sometimes that things just aren't supposed to work out for me.
I see everyone around me succeeding and creating a life for themselves and I feel like I'm falling behind. Everyone seems to be able to handle everything easier than I do. I'm not doing very good in school again, and I don't think they are going to keep me around much longer. It's not that I don't want to do good in life, it's that I really don't think I can. School comes easier to everyone. People get better marks than I do, understand readings better and everything. I have been left by myself to do the whole school thing, my mother has cut me off and has left me with nothing. Even if I wanted to keep going to school, I couldn't. She has made it so I can't. I wish that my family was more involved in my life, and school.
I sometimes wonder if I am going to do anything with my life, or if I will be working a mediocre job for the rest of my life. I am taking a year off, I need to save some money if I ever do want to go back to school, I have an apartment I will be paying rent on even though I'm not living there and I only have enough rent money for another three months. My life seems to be crashing.
As of December first I will be going to see a psychiatrist. How nice.
I will be able to spill my problems out on someone I don't even know. I want to think this will help, I have a lot of anxiety and stress problems. I don't think I'm messed up by no means, but maybe I just need some help not panicking over life's little problems. I have lost a lot of my support team, we've all kind of grown apart. Which I guess I expected. I still have my roommates, amazing boyfriend, and best friend to help me through when I'm really struggling.
I just wonder how life is going to work out for me. I'm moving in with my boyfriend, and I hope for nothing more than for this to make us stronger and closer together. I am moving away from my parents, which is what I want. I couldn't stand going back to that place. I hope myself and Michael will be able to do everything we've planned, and that my life will become easier, I can get a good job and save some money while living with him, and hopefully be able to go back to school somewhere the following year. I need a year off for sure, I don't think I'd be able to make some serious decisions about what I want to do in a couple months as we have to apply to schools for February. I just really need to think about things, get myself together, have a solid support team, and just breathe. I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I'm only nineteen. Whether I do something small now, and expand when I'm older and can afford it, I would be happy with that.
I have to take things one step at a time.
