The last year has been a little hectic, moving hours away to be with the boy I love and have a new start hasn't been the best decision but I guess that is something I'll always have to live with, going from long distance relationship to 24/7 relationship hasn't been the easiest. I love him more than anything though, and I'd do anything to keep him in my life but I think I've done too much damage to him. He's really the nicest person I've ever met and I really do think he deserves someone better than myself. I try so hard to prove to him I'm a good person, and that he's so special to me, but sometimes I say things I can't take back. I've told him I've hated him in a rage, as well as telling him he doesn't make me happy, when they are both complete lies.
I know if he ever said these things to me it would kill me, and I know it kills him inside, and I wish I knew how to make it better and to make his pain go away.
I've never felt the way I do about him with anyone else. He makes me want to me a better person so bad, and I really do try. I tell him how much I love and appreciate him as much as I can, and do cute things for him.
I never want to be without him. I can't picture myself with anyone else but I feel him slipping through my fingers and I can't catch him, it breaks my heart. I want him to be so happy and live life to the fullest without someone making him feel awful about himself.
Maybe one say I'll deserve someone like him, I have a lot to work on as a person and I hate myself right now, I hate the way I've become and the life that I have made for myself. I want to make a man so happy one day, I want to be that girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with.. and as of right now, I don't feel like I'm the right person for him. I'll never be good enough for him, even though I am so in love with him.
He makes me realize that I have some good things going for me in life even when I don't notice it. He's my rock, and he's my everything. I don't know what I would do without him. I need to grow up and take responsibility for my actions, to keep my thoughts that could hurt someone to myself, and be a better person.
Still, until it's my last chance I'll fight for him. I'll keep trying not to screw up, although time and time again I always let myself down. I am a huge disappointment to myself.
I'll be happier one day, but I don't want to ruin the one thing that brings true happiness in my life.
I love you Michael, I always have and I always will. I'll do anything I can to change and make this the best it can be.
I'll be forever yours.
