Only Time Will Tell.

I really think sometimes that things just aren't supposed to work out for me.
I see everyone around me succeeding and creating a life for themselves and I feel like I'm falling behind. Everyone seems to be able to handle everything easier than I do. I'm not doing very good in school again, and I don't think they are going to keep me around much longer. It's not that I don't want to do good in life, it's that I really don't think I can. School comes easier to everyone. People get better marks than I do, understand readings better and everything. I have been left by myself to do the whole school thing, my mother has cut me off and has left me with nothing. Even if I wanted to keep going to school, I couldn't. She has made it so I can't. I wish that my family was more involved in my life, and school.
I sometimes wonder if I am going to do anything with my life, or if I will be working a mediocre job for the rest of my life. I am taking a year off, I need to save some money if I ever do want to go back to school, I have an apartment I will be paying rent on even though I'm not living there and I only have enough rent money for another three months. My life seems to be crashing.
As of December first I will be going to see a psychiatrist. How nice.
I will be able to spill my problems out on someone I don't even know. I want to think this will help, I have a lot of anxiety and stress problems. I don't think I'm messed up by no means, but maybe I just need some help not panicking over life's little problems. I have lost a lot of my support team, we've all kind of grown apart. Which I guess I expected. I still have my roommates, amazing boyfriend, and best friend to help me through when I'm really struggling.
I just wonder how life is going to work out for me. I'm moving in with my boyfriend, and I hope for nothing more than for this to make us stronger and closer together. I am moving away from my parents, which is what I want. I couldn't stand going back to that place. I hope myself and Michael will be able to do everything we've planned, and that my life will become easier, I can get a good job and save some money while living with him, and hopefully be able to go back to school somewhere the following year. I need a year off for sure, I don't think I'd be able to make some serious decisions about what I want to do in a couple months as we have to apply to schools for February. I just really need to think about things, get myself together, have a solid support team, and just breathe. I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I'm only nineteen. Whether I do something small now, and expand when I'm older and can afford it, I would be happy with that.
I have to take things one step at a time.

there are no answers, there is just life.

My biggest fear in life is not being successful, not heights or monsters, but not succeeding in my future. I feel like being at school, in this point in my life isn't right for me. Whenever I walk into these lecture halls I feel so alone, I feel so threatened by the people around me, and terrified of the teacher in front of me. I really believe that I'm not smart enough to me here, and my greatest fear is to be kicked out next year because of my low academic standards. As of right now I'm on academic probation, not something I planned as my marks in high school were exceptional.
My dream is to get a well paying job doing something I really love, to be happy and have a family. I fear that when I'm older I'll be struggling debts, and trying to find a decent job but I hope that I'll have a family to support me.
Every time I think about the future or what I'm going to do with my life I stress myself out so much. I do not know what to do, and it frustrates me so much to the point I'm in tears instantly. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, and I really don't think anyone does. Even when most people are grown up they always change careers. I still have major anxiety about the subject, but it makes things seem a little bit okay.
That gives me hope that even if I finish my degree, I can do something else, go back to school and do something else I love.
It's just really hard for me to force myself to do something I really don't care about, and it makes it a million times harder when whatever I'm doing is ridiculously hard. No matter how hard I try, someone will always do better than me, and that makes it hard too. Last year I didn't try as hard as I should have, but as soon as I starting realizing this stuff really matters, it was too late. I had no choice but to not do well on my exams.
This year I hope to do better, I have a really supportive boyfriend, and really good friends that I know will push me though this year.
I can only hope that I do my best, and if university is not for me, I guess I'll be finding out the hard way.

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.”

I have to take one day at a time, one challenge at a time, and try my best in everything that is put in front of me.
Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out, and it's true. I have to be happy for the present.
Take one step at a time.

There is one thing that I will truly strive for in my years to come: A complete and happy family, one that when you look at us you can see we all really love and care about each other. I want to always be close with the children I may have, and I want to always be in love with my husband.
I always see families together, and I always wish that they could be mine. The way they interact with each other and how they do family things, have reunions, family vacations and just hang out together.
My family is nothing like that. To be honest, I wouldn't call us much of a family. As much as I hate to admit it, it breaks my heart.
I wish I could have a mom that has heart to hearts with, someone that I get along with all the time, or even for the most part, someone who loves spending time with me. I feel like my mom really doesn't care about me or what I'm doing with my life. We have pretty much the same personality, and I really think that's why we do not get along. We're too much of the same person. I feel like I'm a huge inconvenience to my mother's life and she has no care in the world to find out about me, and what I'm interested in, what I want to do with my life or even how my day went. One day I hope we get along. I really do.
I love my dad a lot, and I feel bad for him, I feel like he's not happy with his life. I wish I could make him happy. I feel like no one really cares about him and I wish he was a more open person, I would love to know more about him and know what it was like for him growing up, or just do something to make his day better. I feel like he's always in a bad mood and I can never talk to him the way I want too. One day I hope he's happy again.
I have two brothers, they are twins. Damien & Daniel. Daniel moved out last year when him and my mom got into a huge fight and I haven't spoken to him since. He has no desire to be involved in any of our lives. I miss him. Even though he's my brother and when he was around I wish he would have left, he's still my brother and I hope he's doing okay. Damien and I will get along when we're older, as of right now when I'm not around he's an only child, and he's taking full advantage of it. He's a brat, but when he's nice we get along good.
I really aspire to have a functional loving family when I'm older. We will have sit down dinners, I'll be close with my daughter in a way my mother never tried to be, and I'll get along with my son.
Not having a family around all the time has made me see other people's families and I'm so jealous of what they have, nice christmas dinners, and just enjoying being together.
I want that more than anything.

"Other things may change us, but we start and end with family"

where there is love, there is life.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. And that's all we have all done throughout our whole lives is make plans, experience while learning and enjoy what we have right in front of us.
I would like to think that I'm going to be nineteen forever, that I will always have the people in my life that I have right now and that I will always be there to help my best friends through rough times, but the reality of it is that we're all growing up and we're all moving away. We've all been faced with real life decisions and we're all going our own separate ways.
I've lived in Port Hope pretty much my whole life, I built strong friendships here I've partied here had my heart broken here and made a life here. As much as I hate it, I'm really happy with how my life has turned out so far. There has been some really rough times, and some really good times but I've learnt from them and grew.
As we grow up we learn from everything that happens in our lives, it helps us grow up. It helps us develop into individuals. I have some amazing people in my life and from where I will be living in Ottawa, one of my best friends will be in Halifax, another back home for a year, and the other in St.Catherines along with my amazing boyfriend. But as we grow, we meet better people, I expect to lose some of the people in my life at some point but for right now I don't want to let anyone go. The main thing that I have learned about life is that it goes on. Whether we move a million miles away from each other or live right down the street, whether we don't always succeed or lose something you love, life will always go on.
Everything does happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together.
Everything in life happens for a reason, and things that are supposed to happen will happen. I'm leaving here a very important person in my life, someone who has not been involved in my life for very long but has had a huge impact on my life. His name is Michael, I've learned so much from him already. There are some people in my life that I can admit that I've probably gained nothing from hanging out with them, I can say that there are people in my life that had so much influence on my life decisions and taught me so much but without those people who drag you down, you wouldn't need the good ones to hold you up.
Without my boyfriend or best friends in my life I don't know where I would be, very lost most likely. I go to them for advice, comfort, and happiness amongst other things.
Michael is three years older than me, and the way I know him I would think he was much older. Some of our first conversations were the most honest and truthful conversations I've ever had. I could tell this boy anything. I still can. I trust him with everything. I am moving back to Ottawa for school on saturday and he will be staying here working and saving money to come and live with me, I need this boy in my life. Just today he was offered a potential construction job in Ottawa, as if. I'm ridiculously excited. Everything seems to be falling into place like it should. Michael and I talk about the future all the time. One thing I used to believe in strongly was to never make plans, because then you will never be disappointed. I lived by that, I was always being let down. I feel completely different about him and I, I do believe that we do have future plans together and that if things really don't work out with us that it wasn't meant to be but to be honest, I have no doubts in my mind about myself and him.
I feel like my life without him would be the way it was, empty. I was freshly out of a controlling, abusive relationship and whoever I was before was dead, empty and alone even when I was around other people. My happiness diminished. I changed completely as a person.
When I'm around him I feel good again, I feel like myself. I don't want to ever go back to the way I felt before. He makes me feel like a million dollars, and even if he will never have that million dollars I'll still love him to pieces. We talk about how our live will be when we're moved in together, and how amazing it would be to wake up beside his gorgeous face every single morning. To know that when I get back from class, he will be there and when I really need someone, he will be the first one there. I can be myself around him, and he makes me so happy. I've never been this happy ever. I love you to death, and I wouldn't know what to do without you in my life, thank you for everything. You've made me the person I want to be.
I do want to someday grow old with him, learn from life, experience everything I want to experience and have no regrets. One of the things that I've learned is that money will never buy happiness. I know that Mike and myself talk about all the things we would buy if we had an unlimited amount of funds, all the cars, cash and things we could spend endless amounts of money on will never make me happier than him. I know that if I had all those things, had my dream car, vacation home and huge ring around my finger, without him all those things would mean nothing. I would never be able to enjoy life without him holding my hand through it.
If we believe it or not, we are all in control of our own lives. We are the reason why we're sad and we're the reason why we're happy. So don't wait for happiness. go out and find it. right now.
I've found where my happiness comes from, from the people around me. From the love of my life, from my best friends and at times my family.
Without these things, I'd never want to experience growing up, learning or growing from the experiences that we encounter.
We're all on a journey through life, and it's up to us who we're going to bring on our adventures.


"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring."

Oscar Wilde

nothing but ordinary.

I had quite the weekend, friday was Port Hope prom party. My friend's band was there and everyone was having a great time. I went outside to notice my friend Falon on the ground, crying and went over to see what was wrong.. I then saw my friend Rachel there crying also. I went and leaned over Falon, and some girl, which will remain unnamed full blown attacked me for no reason. In a panic, I threw my water bottle at her, and began to start crying. She continued to pull my hair, throw me to the ground, kick me and punch me in the face. To top it all off, she poured an entire beer on me. I later found out she attacked those two girls as well. Landing one in the hospital. I really do not understand the thrill that girls get when they fight, or how trashy they apparently don't realize that they look. I will never understand. This was the ending to my awful week, I found out a girl I was supposed to live with, completely bailed. I was arguing with my boyfriend and overall just having a really bad week. I went to bed that night, and woke up at 6am to head to work for 7am.
After work, my weekend completely changed, and did nothing but look brighter. I took the Go Train to St.Catherines and went to see my boyfriend. Hands down, the most amazing man I have ever met. As soon as I got there, a rush of happiness overwhelmed me. I could see him sitting in his car, and I couldn't wait to wrap my arms around him.
As we drove around I could do nothing but look at him. I couldn't keep my eyes off him. That night, we had a well needed night in for the both of us. We watched a movie, and during the last few minutes couldn't keep our hands off each other. Enough said. I love sleeping beside him, I love waking up in the middle of the night to have him completely wrapped around me. The next day, we just hung around for a while, drove around then headed to the falls. We went to see a movie, and after that headed back to his house, and laid in bed and just spent time together. Myself and my boyfriend live 2 hours away from each other, but we still seem to make it work making trips to see each other every weekend. Honestly I haven't ever wanted anything more than us to be together ever. I don't ever want to lose him. We haven't been together very long, but it doesn't matter, we love each other and I'll do anything for this boy.

-- Take chances, a lot of them, because honestly no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel, always. Remember, everything happens for a reason.

I obviously believe in fate, and I really do believe that fate brought us together, I am crazy about this boy and I think we were brought together to stay together.

I can't wait to see what's next.

when we party, we party hard.

Since myself and my best friends have started partying, when we party, we party hard. we go all out. hands down.
A couple weeks ago, for May 24 weekend, we decided to take a little trip to St.Catherine's where one of my best friends Sara lives in a house of really amazing girls, that night we managed to get our hands on some crazy things. Some took more than others and out of over twenty of us, maybe ten managed to get out of the house (which by our standards wasn't very good, we usually all at least make it to the bar) At the bar, I ended up with none of the people I came with. I was so sketched out of my mind I was not able to have as much fun as I planned on having. I was getting panicked phone calls from my friends saying two of my best friends went missing, really what I found out they were doing was going on a jungle adventure. Victoria and Sam came back mangled to pieces from falling out of trees and crawling through bushes. In the end, I ended up by myself with my boyfriend and his friend at the bar, alone and drove back to Sara's where everyone was extremely intoxicated, or passed out, a large majority of us didn't even go to sleep. And tonight should be around the same as we are going to Port Hope Prom Party, which is at the same place it was two years ago, and ladies and gentlemen, lets just say it was a shitshow. so
tonight is the night my best friends and I are legendary for getting "outrageous"
outrageous - this word means to be beyond the point of sexy (urban dictionary)
But it also means to get ridiculously fucked up. And we get outrageous, we do it well. So, we shall see how tonight goes.

We are ready for the weekend.

young love.

I have discovered that there is such thing as good guys in this world. It just takes a lot to find them. You can't look in your home town, everyone has had a piece of everyone. You have to go beyond your neighbourhood. Everyone deserves a chance to find true love, or whatever their idea of love is. It is sad to think that in a life time some people are unable to find something even remotely close to love. I have watched my bestfriends over the years have their hearts completely ripped out of their chests and thrown on the floor. It's terrible to think that another person has such power to make someone feel so horrible. I would love to think that everyone will be happy one day with someone else, but it's very unrealistic to think that if they find love now, is it really ever lasting love? In today's society, divorce is prominant. I sometimes think, what is the point of getting married, if the chances of me getting divorced are higher than me actually spending the rest of my life with one person? It's depressing to think about sometimes but I would like to think that there is one person out there for me that will make me completely happy. I think I have found that person. I have learned the past year never to make plans for the future, because evidently you will end up disapointed most of the time. For now on, I have decided to just live for the moment, and at this moment I am happy with this certain person. For now, being around him makes me feel like a million dollars. I couldn't picture myself with anyone else right now. Life is very unpredictable and I have no idea what will happen with us when I head back to Ottawa for school, but as of right now, I am the happiest girl in the world when I'm with him. He is such a change from previous boyfriends. He has more compassion, is very mature and makes me realize how much of an idiot I look like when we're arguing over nothing. Which to be honest, is a a good thing. I would love to make future plans with this boy, but it's silly to do so. We're both still young, and we have a lot ahead of us in the future. We honestly just have to live for the moment, and forget about the future. When the future comes, we will deal with it, but until then we shouldn't worry ourselves.

I'll be up up and away *

The past year I've experienced a lot in my life. I moved my whole life four hours away, left everything behind including my family, boyfriend of the time, and my bestfriends. It was probably the hardest thing I ever did. I landed myself at 85 lbs from the lack of eating and stress that overcame me. Moving to Ottawa for school was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done, it changed my whole world. And once I got there I felt like everything I had ever known completely disapeared. I was so angry with myself and the decisions I had made. I am the type of person who feels like they need other people's input in order to be okay with the decisions I should be making by myself. I didn't chose this school, everyone else chose it for me. At the beginning I thought it was the worst decision I had ever made but in the end it's the best one I could have ever made. Eventually I needed to get out of the nest and move on with my life and post secondary education was the best excuse I had. I needed a change, I just didn't know it yet. I was trapped in a abusive relationship that I couldn't let go of, and moving away slowly ended it, being too far away to make things work was the best thing that we could have said to eachother. I never thought myself and Ottawa would ever get along, at first I didn't make very many friends, and I never went out anywhere. I isolated myself in my room everyday and rarely went to class. This continued for a really long time, until I realized that I was really unhappy with my life, I needed to change. I started going out, I started hanging out with more people, I met some really amazing people that I could never live with. I got close with my roommates, and my life was good. I can say I have fallen in love with Ottawa, it was the best thing for my life. I can't wait to go back.

A very good friend of mine told me this;

"You really can't control anything, something is going to happen , the best we can hope for in life is to try and steer it in a good direction" - m.h.

I thought I could control everything in life and found out I have no control over anything, I am very content with my life right now, I have amazing friends, an amazing boy and right now, that's all that matters to me. In September, I'll have to deal with a whole new school year, I'll try harder, learn more and continue to bring happiness into my life.