true love always dies.

I have not had a lot of time do come on here and write about my feelings, or problems. But today, I think my boyfriend of almost two years has stopped loving me. After this time together a lot has happened and I do not know if we can bounce back anymore. He's sitting on the couch across from me, won't even look at me and telling me he's had enough. Recently I lost my full time job, and since I have been so broke, I was unable to pay my rent this month so he assisted with it, we've always helped each other out with things when we've needed it, he got a good job a while ago too, and has had the extra money, but after a stressful conversation about money that lead to him throwing an empty bottle at me, and ruining a christmas decoration, I think he's finally had enough of me, although I love this boy with all my heart, I am starting to believe we have conflicting personalities, he always says I'm a child and I don't know how to handle stressful situations, and that I have the mind of someone in high school, I have started to believe it.
I've done nothing but try and make this work, and destroy it at the same time. I do have an issue with communication and it's finally got to us.
I remember the first time we hung out, May 9th 2010, I came to St.Catharines to meet him, he came up to me at the bus station, gave me a hug and a kiss on the head. I can honestly say I think it was love at first sight, we had our first kill at Niagara Falls, he leaned over me, and it was perfect. Almost two years later he still gives me butterflies, still makes me laugh, and makes me strive to try and be a better person everyday. As he looks at my typing he says "don't bother writing me an email" I think that no matter what I say anymore, I think it's over. I've spilled my heart out to him so many times, I think he's tired of hearing the same things over and over again, I don't know what I'll be like if I end up moving out, and trying to move on from the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me, I don't think I'll be able to accept it at first, but I hope if we do break up he remembers the good times, not the bad times, and he knows how much I loved him, and how much I really tried to change and make it work.
I'll always love you Michael,
Forever and ever, I want nothing more than for you to find someone in the future that will be everything I couldn't be for you, I've learned so much, and I know what not to do in the future, and I hope one day I can find my soul mate, I thought it was you, and I'll always inside believe it maybe was you, never forget me babe,

it was us against the world.

one year, one month

The last year has been a little hectic, moving hours away to be with the boy I love and have a new start hasn't been the best decision but I guess that is something I'll always have to live with, going from long distance relationship to 24/7 relationship hasn't been the easiest. I love him more than anything though, and I'd do anything to keep him in my life but I think I've done too much damage to him. He's really the nicest person I've ever met and I really do think he deserves someone better than myself. I try so hard to prove to him I'm a good person, and that he's so special to me, but sometimes I say things I can't take back. I've told him I've hated him in a rage, as well as telling him he doesn't make me happy, when they are both complete lies.
I know if he ever said these things to me it would kill me, and I know it kills him inside, and I wish I knew how to make it better and to make his pain go away.
I've never felt the way I do about him with anyone else. He makes me want to me a better person so bad, and I really do try. I tell him how much I love and appreciate him as much as I can, and do cute things for him.
I never want to be without him. I can't picture myself with anyone else but I feel him slipping through my fingers and I can't catch him, it breaks my heart. I want him to be so happy and live life to the fullest without someone making him feel awful about himself.
Maybe one say I'll deserve someone like him, I have a lot to work on as a person and I hate myself right now, I hate the way I've become and the life that I have made for myself. I want to make a man so happy one day, I want to be that girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with.. and as of right now, I don't feel like I'm the right person for him. I'll never be good enough for him, even though I am so in love with him.
He makes me realize that I have some good things going for me in life even when I don't notice it. He's my rock, and he's my everything. I don't know what I would do without him. I need to grow up and take responsibility for my actions, to keep my thoughts that could hurt someone to myself, and be a better person.
Still, until it's my last chance I'll fight for him. I'll keep trying not to screw up, although time and time again I always let myself down. I am a huge disappointment to myself.
I'll be happier one day, but I don't want to ruin the one thing that brings true happiness in my life.
I love you Michael, I always have and I always will. I'll do anything I can to change and make this the best it can be.

I'll be forever yours.

It will get easier.

I think I have Peter Pan Syndrome. I do not like the idea of growing up completely. I really can't believe how fast life has went by, I am almost twenty years old. I remember kindergarden, I remember my mom playing the piano for us, I remember playing dinosaurs with my little brothers. It's all gone. I'll never forget those moments, but it's hard to think that I'll never be that young again, that those memories with my parents will be nothing but memories, and growing up with my little brothers doesn't exist anymore.
I have finally left the nest, but I miss it all the time, but as soon as I'm there I know why I left. I miss my parents so much, I miss my cat Tippy, and I miss my own bedroom. I know that all those things will always be in my life no matter what happens, it's just hard letting those things go from my daily life. I've been on my own for almost two years, and it feels like yesterday when I would get ready to go to school, and meet everyone in the forum, I don't talk to anyone I really went to high school with, and it's strange because these were the people I grew up with and saw everyday for almost four years, and everything is gone.
I think that eventually I will be okay with growing up, and I think I subconsciously act childish so I don't lose my youth. I want to be young forever. I don't want the reality of being an adult, although it has it's perks, I'll never have the memories as I have as a child as an adult. So much more is expected from me in life, I am expected to make decisions, and manage my whole life. It's hard to handle sometimes. I just want to give up. One day, I hope all of this will be worth it, I hope that I'll be able to grow up and be okay with growing up. I want to always have my parents by my side, and my brothers there looking out for me even though everything we've been through together.
I will be okay with it, one day.
Until then, I want to soak up my youth, and never let it go completely.
I miss being young and innocent, not knowing what the real world is like, and being happy. Truly happy with whatever was put in front of me.


"Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers; the next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul."