My biggest fear in life is not being successful, not heights or monsters, but not succeeding in my future. I feel like being at school, in this point in my life isn't right for me. Whenever I walk into these lecture halls I feel so alone, I feel so threatened by the people around me, and terrified of the teacher in front of me. I really believe that I'm not smart enough to me here, and my greatest fear is to be kicked out next year because of my low academic standards. As of right now I'm on academic probation, not something I planned as my marks in high school were exceptional.
My dream is to get a well paying job doing something I really love, to be happy and have a family. I fear that when I'm older I'll be struggling debts, and trying to find a decent job but I hope that I'll have a family to support me.
Every time I think about the future or what I'm going to do with my life I stress myself out so much. I do not know what to do, and it frustrates me so much to the point I'm in tears instantly. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, and I really don't think anyone does. Even when most people are grown up they always change careers. I still have major anxiety about the subject, but it makes things seem a little bit okay.
That gives me hope that even if I finish my degree, I can do something else, go back to school and do something else I love.
It's just really hard for me to force myself to do something I really don't care about, and it makes it a million times harder when whatever I'm doing is ridiculously hard. No matter how hard I try, someone will always do better than me, and that makes it hard too. Last year I didn't try as hard as I should have, but as soon as I starting realizing this stuff really matters, it was too late. I had no choice but to not do well on my exams.
This year I hope to do better, I have a really supportive boyfriend, and really good friends that I know will push me though this year.
I can only hope that I do my best, and if university is not for me, I guess I'll be finding out the hard way.
“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.”
I have to take one day at a time, one challenge at a time, and try my best in everything that is put in front of me.
Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out, and it's true. I have to be happy for the present.
Take one step at a time.
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